Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

This post is coming a little late . . . as this incident occurred about a month ago. It was 2 weeks before school was out. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. I love my students more than anything in the world, but that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy a good summer break! They were bouncing off the walls! Anyway, let me take you back a month ago . . .

I opened the door to my classroom (if you can call it a classroom, I have heard it referred to as "the man cave", "prison", and "hell" - it is in a portable with no windows and a giant metal door . . . welcome to Latin class. Like Latin doesn't have a hard time on it's own . . .) and in front of me I see a huge pile of chewed up carpet and wood chips. The thought runs through my head, "there is either an animal living in my room at night or some kid is really ticked at the grade I just gave him on his project". I step over the pile and make my way toward my desk. There, behind my desk, was a bunch of chewed up posters and rat poop. Awesome. The good news was that I was at school an hour early to help the middle school praise band, so there was plenty of time for me to pull myself together (to keep myself from crying - tears don't help anything), find the janitor, and have him clean my room for me. Pete is the best. However, after he cleaned the room he found me and said, "a rat chewed through the wall to get into your classroom, but I know what it was trying to get . . .", I wasn't sure if I wanted to know . . . "there was a sandwich in a plastic bag that it was trying to take out with it. It was a pretty old sandwich too, it was decaying and everything." I threw up a little bit in my mouth. This has to be one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard. And then I was nervous that it was my sandwich! I was racking my brain trying to figure out when I had a sandwich in my classroom and why I didn't put it where it belonged (in my stomach or in the trash can). As the day continued, I told the story to each of my classes, usually ending the story by picking on some random kid (or not so random kid, but one that has been giving me a hard time all year . . .) and saying, "it was totally your sandwich, wasn't it (fill in kid's name)". I tell the story during 6th period (almost the end of the day), when one of the boys says, "awww! that was still in here? That has been there for 2 months!". I kept him after class, discovered the other 3 culprits, and found out the story. Apparently 2 months before this, 4 boys were eating lunch in my room because they got in trouble during class (I make them eat lunch in my room in complete silence - whatever I'm mean). I stepped out of the room (I know, big mistake, but it's my lunch too!!!!!) for 5 minutes, probably to talk to Darcy, and while I was out of the room one kid decided to throw his half-eaten ham and cheese sandwich (still in the bag) at another one of the boys. This continued until some one threw it and it landed behind my file cabinet. They decided not to tell me because they didn't want to get in trouble. Thanks guys. The rat came back that night again. More chewed up wall and floor when I arrived the next day. I was out of a classroom for 3 days while the rats (note the plural form - more than one rat) were taken care of and the room was sanitized. I was told by my principal that I took the whole situation very well . . . but what was I supposed to do? Throwing a fit wouldn't make the rats go away! I have to admit that at a point the whole thing just became funny. The school has moved me into the main building for next year and I will have a real classroom! The worst part was not being across from Darcy, I felt like we didn't even work at the same school anymore! But thank goodness she was there! My blog shout-out goes to her, since she was there to hug me when I just needed to cry it out. She's the best.

On the up side, another kid gave me a bobble-head of Justin Timberlake as an end-of-the-year gift. He found it at a garage sale for $2. Best 2 dollars you will ever spend, kid! Greatest. Gift. EVER. I love my job.

The Night I Was Rejected By Ryan Phillippe . . .

First of all, I am supposed to be in Austin, TX right now. I had a decision to make this week, and I definitely got the answer I was looking for, so I cancelled my trip to Austin. This worked out very well because Ryan Phillipe was in Tucson promoting his new movie tonight. Yes, Ryan Phillipe is on my celebrity crush list (second only to Justin Timberlake) and when a celebrity from your crush list is in town, you go see him (especially if your celebrity crush list is made up of 2 people). Thankfully, my friend Tanita is always up for crazy adventures with me. I put on a cute outfit (it couldn't hurt, right?) and we left for Gentle Ben's. I saw a friend from high school, so we cut in line with her. Behind me was one of my brother's friends who had a copy of Cruel Intentions for Ryan Phillipe to sign (although he was going to have his girlfriend get it signed for him) - that was one of my favorites! I wish I could have seen Ryan Phillipe's reaction! I decided to sign a piece of paper to give him and say, "I wanted to give you my autograph, Ryan"! A couple people asked if I was also going to put my number, but I figured every girl does that and if he wanted my number, he would ask for it! I'm classy like that! (Whatever.) Ryan Phillipe and his fellow cast members, including Will Forte, had to leave for the advanced screening of their new movie, so I snuck over to the side where I was hoping to get a word in to Ryan (Phillipe). I didn't want his autograph, I just wanted a picture with him (and maybe sit on his lap . . .)! Finally, my moment came. It took a lot of urging from Tanita & friends, but they pushed me forward and I said to Ryan Phillipe, "Ryan, would I be able to get a picture with you?" Ryan turned to me, tilted his head in a sympathetic (and sexy) manner, responding, "no, we are going to do that after the screening". I just said, "okay", and walked away slowly.

All I got was this picture with him . . .

And then the after picture . . .

HOWEVER . . . when they left, Ryan Phillipe high-fived Tanita and Will Forte lingered around for a bit. We ended up getting a picture with Will; Tanita got another high-five, and we talked to him for a bit. He was so nice, funny, and just plain awesome!

We didn't go to the screening . . . I have a job. But we did finish the night with Chipotle!

I want to give this blog shout-out to Makain, who got his copy of Cruel Intentions signed! You are my hero!

Nashville

Over Spring Break I went to Nashville, Tennessee. Wow. First of all, I did not realize all the double letters in the word Tennessee until I just typed it out. Second of all, what an amazing trip! So much went down so I will try to highlight it for you . . .

Saturday: Leave my house at 4:45 AM to catch our 6:30 AM flight from Tucson. I hate Delta Airlines. If possible, I will not fly them again. I didn't want to pay the

$25 to check a back, so i just carried everything on. Heavy. I wish I was a light packer, I really do! After sleeping through most of the flight to Atlanta, I ate an expensive burger. I don't know what it is about flying, but it makes me SO hungry all the time! An hour flight from ATL to Nashville, rent a car, and we are ready to go! It was sunny and beautiful! The rolling hills welcomed the arrival of two Tucsonans! Get to the Swain's house (that is where we stayed - GREAT family!)

Sunday: Church. Rain. All day. March Madness. Catch up on sleep. Eat. Hang out during the day. That night, we went downtown . . . hello NashVegas. It was cold, rainy, and we got lost. After delicious sweet potato fries, we tried to go line dancing. The one place we were told to go was the most awkward thing I have been to (and I've chaperoned Christian high school dances). The only people on the dance floor was a group of Wesleyan college choir singers. I don't think they had ever danced before. They looked like they were high schoolers. The best part was the 40 year old woman that was hitting on EVERY college guy (that looked 15). We left. No line dancing for us that night.

Monday: Visit Franklin area. My friend, Beth, told me I HAD to eat at Meridee's and

have the chicken salad (she said I wouldn't regret it - I didn't). While at Meridee's who do we see? None other than Michael W. Smith (I guess 90's Christian Rock did him well). Sitting in the same cafe eating his lunch! I wanted to serenade him with his own music, but was too nervous. We ended up getting a picture with him. No big deal. We then walked around downtown Franklin, where I got a sweet square scarf and $5 earrings.

Tuesday: The Flying Saucer. We went that night for Trivia Night (I had never been

to a Trivia Night before - we DEFINITELY lost). Keep in mind

that it was just Amber and I - apparently 2 girls with no guys around is anything BUT threatening to a room full of men. We may not have taken over Nashville, but we took over The Flying Saucer that night. I have never experienced anything like this before. In the 4 hours that we were at The Flying Saucer, we had been given 2 shots, a pitcher of beer, and a cigar. We had been invited 4 different places afterward and had a total of 14 guys sit down at our table (uninvited) and talk to us. 14. Living in Tucson my whole life, I did not realize that guys can actually have the guts to walk over and talk to girls. I guess Tucson is

full of panzies. A live band was playing at The Flying Saucer that night which was pretty good (there is A LOT of talent in Nashville), so Amber and I wanted to move up to the front, near the stage (after Trivia Night was over), to listen. We couldn't leave our table. We tried. We really wanted to just do our own thing and listen to music, but guys would not stop talking to us and just sitting at our table. It's a hard life. Finally got out of there before the stroke of midnight.

Wednesday: Went down to the Vanderbilt area. Too bad all I could afford was the

U of A (go wildcats!). We went to the Pancake Pantry, which is apparently the place to go in Nashville. You have to go really early in the morning (or as we discovered, noon on a Wednesday) or else you could wait up to 3

hours in line. But it is SO worth it. I had the sweet potato pancakes with a cinnamon creamy syrup. I think I was in heaven. This was by far the best thing I ate all week. We then went to Fido, a great coffee place, and as we walked up and down the streets I found my soulmate. Yes. A pair of cowboy boots. They were my size, the color I was wanting, half off, and they didn't make my calves look like giant tree trunks. Done. Yes, I have cowboy boots!

Thursday: Our last day in Nashville. The weather all week was sunny, warm, and everything started blooming! We went to a local vineyard, had a picnic, and tasted wine. Perfect end to my Spring Break week!

Friday: Most awkward travel home. On the flight from Nashville to Minneapolis a kid in front of us had his barf bag ready for the last hour along with loud burping. I couldn't handle it. I am so glad he didn't puke. Waiting in the Minneapolis airport, I ran into two Younglife kids. So random. The flight from Minneapolis to Tucson was equally awkward. Amber and I were SURROUNDED by a home-schooled family. I don't mean to dis home-schoolers (heck, I was one for 3 years), but this was the stereotypical homeschool family (and the kids were definitely in high school). I don't think they knew anything about social edict or functioning in society. Thank goodness I checked my bags. After getting off the plane we went directly to our car (or rather the shuttle that took us to the car). After the long week, I was really glad to be home and sleeping in my own bed. My bed + sweet potato pancakes really would = heaven.

This blog shout out goes to my sister, Sarah, who apparently was named teacher of the year by the school she teaches at! Woot!

Blood Donor Extraordinaire

You should donate blood, even if only to break from your diet and eat to your heart's content. I donated blood today for the first time in my life. The student council at school put together a blood drive on campus today. What a great idea - set up 2 blood donation centers at a high school and tell impressionable youngsters to give up their blood. If I were a high schooler and some one offered me the opportunity to skip class to eat cookies, I would donate blood! I decided to donate 1) because I get excited to do new things and 2) I really like getting my blood drawn (I am so weird). I think that the Red Cross is great, and I know the need for blood is huge, but donating a pint of blood while lying in an antiquated dentist's chair inside a trailer seems a little sketch . . . whatever. Much of the process is answering questions about your sex life (or lack there of), health history, temperature taking, blood testing, and travel history. The best part was being able to watch them take my blood. I have NO idea why this fascinates me so much, but I REALLY liked watching them put the needle into my vein (even though they suggested that I not look at that part) and watching the blood poor into the packet. It was cool when they drained the blood into the tubes at the end because I could feel the blood pouring out. It is times like this that I remember my adolescent dreams of becoming a doctor . . . my sophomore chemistry class killed that dream quickly. Speaking of my vein, I was complimented 3 times on the vein in my arm with things such as, "Beautiful!", and "Nice one!" People may not say that about my ass, but damn it they say it about my vein! I'm holding on to that one. What a conversation starter, "Hi, I'm Ashley, check out my vein!" After giving blood I was starving. I ate a small package of Oreos, Nutter Butters, and Cheez-its (about 35 fat grams - way over the number of fat grams I should be consuming in one day, let alone 10 minutes) and I drank a can of OJ. About an hour later I ate a burger, sweet potato fries, zucchini fries, a glass of wine, several glasses of iced tea, and 3 bites of banana cream pie. Donating blood = bottomless stomach. I would rate my first blood donation as a success. Dear Red Cross, I'll see you again in 56 days! Maybe I'll go back to school to pursue my medical dreams . . .

Sing Us a Song, You're the Piano Man!

Best. Night. Ever.

My friends and I decided to go up to Phoenix to go to a dueling piano bar, "The Big Bang". It was so worth the drive! I don't think I have had so much fun since that night in Seattle (Tanita & Josh, you know what I am talking about). What is The Big Bang? Karaoke on cocaine. It has two grand pianos on stage; there are a total of 6 piano players that rotate through the night so that there are two on stage at one time. They play requests, so you write your song request on a napkin and put it on the piano for them to play (with a tip of course!). They played everything from Lady Gaga's Bad Romance to Justin Timberlake's Dick in a Box, to Lonely Island's I'm On a Boat, to Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al. It was pure awesome! The piano players were so talented! I'm not gonna lie, I was very close to putting my phone number on a napkin and handing it to one of the piano players . . . beanie, facial hair, wicked mad piano skills . . . Yes please! ;) First of all, beanies are always hot. Second of all, facial hair gives the rugged look. Third of all, musician?? Triple threat. This adventure took place with my two friends, Amber and Laura, and we managed to grab a table at the very front - which was perfect! The place filled up very quickly and everyone got into it (singing along, yelling and cheering). We even met new friends . . . I don't know their names, but somehow they ended up sharing a table with us! The piano players were very interactive with theaudience. At one point, Laura was texting when one of the piano players shined a flashlight on her, asked who she could possibly be texting, and made her come up on stage and sing with the piano by herself (Bye Bye Miss American Pie) for texting during his show - have I mentioned that Laura (you may know her as Adam-Bomb) is awesome! She rocked the stage and they even bought her a shot after her performance! After that, there was some shaking like a polaroid picture, livin' a prayer, and we didn't stop believing. The place was so loud that we could sing at the top of lungs and not hear ourselves . . . until we watched the videos later . . . We did try to video record some of the songs, until we were told not to by security (woops!), so we just recorded some video clips while the staff guys weren't looking. After 4 hours of fun, singing, and pianos we drove back to Tucson. I was the DD so it was not big deal, but Laura and Amber didn't make it more than 20 minutes into the drive before they were asleep . . . thanks guys. The Glee Cast and John Mayer kept me company! Finally made it home around 3 AM . . . thus concluding one of the best nights of our lives! I am not a very good writer, so this blog does not do our experience justice, all I can say is, "why do I live in Tucson?" We'll see . . .

This blog shout-out goes to you, Amber!

The Velvet Hammer

About 8 months ago my friends and I went to a rollerderby competition (this also happened to be the night that I wore a fake mustache and took a homemade crunk cup to a party . . . but that's another story). I highly recommend attending a roller derby match. We quickly learned the rules of the game, but most importantly, the amazing names that the girls go by. The idea was formed that evening: The Velvet Hammer. The Velvet Hammer is a non-competitive, competitive roller derby team. We all wanted roller derby names without having to actually play the game (we are not that tough). The thought was: get jerseys with our roller derby names, a number, and our team name on them, some sweatbands, maybe some roller skates down the road, and then just get together to do things (chipotle, karaoke, shuffleboard, make a music video, etc.). Since we have officially created The Velvet Hammer, I have learned that the name is not so original. The Velvet Hammer is not only a non-competitive, competitive roller derby team, but it is also a drink at Raging Sage (3 shots in sweetened condensed milk, 16 oz size only) and it is the name of a burger at Lindy's on 4th. It took a while to get all our names figured out and our numbers (those ended up being the year we graduated high school), but the jerseys finally came in. They were the most ridiculous thing I have every seen. They are a jersey material, high v-neck, and GIGANTIC arms. Seriously. I felt like I was wearing Batman's cape. The back, however, turned out great! Here is one thing to consider when deciding on your own roller derby name: it has to be tough and slightly inappropriate.

Our first Velvet Hammer event took place in January. The place: Shooters. Time: 10 PM - 12 AM. Purpose: Karaoke Extravaganza, Shuffleboard, and Darts in our jerseys. Needless to say, I can never show my face in shooters with the same group of people and in my jersey ever again. When we first arrived it was a little awkward. People kept asking us who we were and what the jerseys were for. We told the first few (bartender included) that we were just a fake roller derby team (the bartender laughed). But as the night continued I played my part. By the time I left shooters I had convinced a girl to join a year-round roller derby team for $100 a season (all of this was completely made-up information), told one guy that we were playing on the following Wednesday night, and finally that roller derby involves a ball of some sort. I know, I know. A ball?!?! No. He asked me how to score points in roller derby. I looked at my friend Laura (Adam Bomb) with a look of panic because I had forgotten the rules. She looked at me and said, "I have to go to the bathroom". She left me there. Under pressure I told him that there was a ball that some one holds and that the other team has to pass her . . . ? He believed me. I don't know which one of us is the bigger idiot. Since then we have provided everyone on The Velvet Hammer with an official roller derby rule book.

This blog shout-out goes to Laura (a.k.a. Adam Bomb).

So My Dog's a Racist . . .

Here's what I have learned the past couple of weeks:

1) I think my dog may be racist. I am not going to tell you what race she is racist against because that would be racist of me. But she growls and barks at a particular race - I discovered this when I took her running with me around Reid Park the other day.

2) My hips are crooked. My right leg has been hurting for about 6 weeks but I just treated it as I do any other problem in my life: maybe if I just ignore it, it will go away. On Wednesday morning I could barely walk. I thought, "If I walk slow enough, or just don't move around too much today, maybe my students won't notice I'm a gimp." Well, I didn't make it more than 5 minutes into 1st period. I shifted my weight from my left leg to my right, winced in pain, and grabbed my leg. Needless to say, I saw 16 faces in sheer confusion, wondering what the heck is wrong me (something I ask myself every day). As usual I just lied to them. I told them I hurt my leg running from a lion that escaped from the zoo. I have no idea why the never believe anything I say to them. I had the athletic trainer that works at our school exam me; that was another experience. I was being examined in my teacher outfit among several students in their athletic clothes. Have I mentioned that my life is like one big awkward moment? No big deal. She broke the news to me that my hips are crooked. Thankfully she gave me some stretches to do that will pop everything back in place . . . welcome to 25.

3) I think that teaching must have some similarities to being a parent. I recently discovered that my students have a lot more access to my personal life than I thought. Thank you, facebook. Apparently some of my students have found my blog, even though I thought I took the necessary steps to make sure that wouldn't happen. Good thing I don't lead a very scandalous life! This blog shout-out goes to you, Kaylan. :)

Public Library or Twilight Zone?

I went to the library yesterday . . . it should have a sign above the front doors that say "Now Entering the Twilight Zone". I took two steps into the library and immediately entered survival mode: "Breathe through your mouth, not your nose! Don't make eye contact! Get what you need ASAP and run away! Stop sweating, it will just make everything worse!" I began to ask myself why I had even come to the library. I was doing some research for my classroom; my students spent the first semester studying the Trojan War, so our first two weeks will be transitioning from Homer to Virgil and from Greek to Roman mythology. I want to find a video for the students to watch about the mythological characters, as they don't like to listen to me very often. I found a few videos through Amazon that I thought might work but 1) I am on a budget that doesn't allow for frivolous spending to discover whether or not a video is suitable for 7th graders and 2) even if I did order them, they wouldn't be in by Friday. An amazing idea entered my head: PUBLIC LIBRARY!!!! Problem solved! Himmel Park library is a mile from my house! I can get a library card and check out all the books/videos I want for my classroom! Genius! I wrote down the names and call numbers of 5 videos that I wanted to view. They were not all at one library, so I made sure to check which locations they were at. I then proceeded to meet my brother for lunch and then see the movie Avatar . . . I will contemplate writing about my thoughts on that some other time. Avatar is a 3 hour movie, which didn't get out until 4:15 PM -the library closes at 5! I raced to the nearest library on 22nd and Columbus, but couldn't find it (I discovered later that it was on the SE corner, not the NW . . . yes, I can read a map . . .), quickly I moved on toward Himmel Park library. I get there at 4:30 - just enough time to get a card and check out a video! As noted above, I was not prepared for what I was about to encounter. I stepped through the doors and was overwhelmed with the smell of BO . . . I began to sweat and get nervous as I looked around and realized 3 things: 1) I was overdressed with my curled hair, necklace, and cardigan, 2) I smell quite good, and 3) everyone was staring at me - the way zombies look at their prey before they all attack at once. I stood my ground, even though everything in me was screaming: "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!" I had to remind myself: baby steps. Baby Step 1: get library card. Done. That wasn't so bad. The only creepy thing so far is that people don't understand the concept of lines or personal space - I'm sorry, do you think this is Italy? Baby Step 2: Find video. This was also not as hard as I thought it would be. I found where the DVDs were located and looked for the call number under "NONFICTION DVDs". I was browsing through the videos when an unclean mad behind me decided to talk to me - what was he thinking? I don't like to talk to people - remember my survival mode about not making eye contact?! I didn't see him - sneak attack! - all I saw was a "Pan's Labyrinth" DVD obstructing my line of vision accompanied by a husky voice saying, "this is a great movie". SWEAT! PANIC! MORE SWEAT! I did what a do best - looked at him with the "why are you talking to me" look, annoyed smile, and a "yeah . . ." response. I turned away and continued looking for my DVD. His response, "Oh, you've seen it." Yes, sir, I have. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. I quickly found what I was looking for and made my way to the front desk. Baby Step 3: Check-out DVD. This had to have been the worst part of my venture - probably because I was almost home free! I stood in line, waiting to check out my books with my brand new library card while a man was yelling at his son, Isaac, to come to the front because it was time to go. It was my turn to check out the books. Yelling Dad walked away, but Isaac decided to stand RIGHT next to me - SWEAT! PANIC! MORE SWEAT! STEP ASIDE! SWEAT MORE! Isaac was looking at the DVD I checked out, entitled "ROME", and he says, "ROME?! Why did you get that??" with a snotty little attitude and turned up nose. That little punk. He needs a good dose of Jesus and then Pusch Ridge Christian Academy. Before I could say anything, the lady behind the counter was asking him if he knew how to take the security things off of my DVDs and if he wanted her to check out his books for him too. It took 3 times of me saying, "HE'S NOT WITH ME!!!!!!" for her to respond, "Oh! He's not with you? I thought since he was talking to you and standing next to you . . . " HE'S NOT WITH ME!!!!!! As soon as the check-out was complete I drop-kicked Isaac (in my mind) and speed-walked out the door. PHEW! Fresh air! I may or may not have had nightmares about the library last night . . .

This week blog shout-out goes to my brother, Matt.

Auld Lang Syne . . .

Happy New Year! This new year was much better than last year's! I was remembering some of the things I hoped for, or was excited about, in New Year's past. 2007: I felt like I had just received the best gift of all - I was given my life back and I was ecstatic about the future; I had no idea what to expect but I knew it was going to be awesome! That is one thing about a life-saving experience: you become a little more thankful. 2008: 2007 was great and not at all what I expected (in a good way), but my freedom didn't really play out the way expected . . . maybe I should be a little more proactive. Needless to say, some very poor decisions were made that year. 2009: there is no way 2009 could be worse than 2008. This is the year. Everything will change this year. But I ended up living my life in 2009 for the purpose of trying to redeem myself for 2008 (shouldn't I know by now that this is an impossible task???). I have been blessed by 2009 in many ways: my mom has (almost) survived cancer, I passed my AEPA tests, received 'A's in all of my classes this semester, have a great family, awesome students, and I get to see my best friend at work everyday! What better way to end/begin a year?! 2010: I no longer hope for, or expect, those things I hoped for and expected in 2007, 2008, and 2009. I have a feeling that this year is going to be fun, exciting, and that new things are going to happen! This seems like a good place to insert my New Year's resolutions: I don't make resolutions because I never keep them! My theme verses for 2010 are Hebrews 13:15-16. I want to know what it means to offer the sacrifice of praise . . . I have a feeling it doesn't mean to only offer praises when I am happy and things are going well . . . I am also reminded that Jesus never promised a life of security for his followers. All he asks is a teachable heart so that we may be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

Here is a version of Auld Lang Syne that I enjoy . . . for best results you should listen to it while reading this blog post!